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The Science of Sexy: 5 Tips to Make Yourself More Attractive

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| November 04, 2014

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Finding a date isn't easy for many people. Sure, you Imagine if you're some kind of introvert, or CHUD, or a shut-in of an Internet comedy writer. are you supposed to join online forums and talk about your love of anime and bug collecting until the one day someone who bathes regularly and doesn't have night terrors about "the institute" signs up and says hello to you? Heck no! You're supposed to exploit every single quirk and oddity science says can help you be more appealing to help you find at least one human who won't fall asleep every time you start talking about your theories on the similarities between Warhammer and Pokemon. Yes, there are scientifically tested ways to be more appealing. Yes, they are more surprising and varied than the old reliable "put on a nice smelling fragrance so people think you smell good." Yes, they're a lot easier than you think. For instance.

#5. Master Your Facial Hair

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Men and a select group of hirsute ladies are burdened with an ever-lengthening shag that oozes from their faces like the blob squeezing its way through a pasta strainer. Some choose to allow this growth to Duck Dynasty itself all over the place in the form of erratic and ghastly beards that collect food scraps and small birds, while others choose to do what that guy in The Hunger Games does and use an electric trimmer to shave a geometric mental breakdown on their own faces. Some simply remove it all. But not so fast! Science tells us we can use that old-growth Connecticut Valley shrubbery to our advantage when it comes to boudoir adventuring.

According to sensual research conducted in Australia, so you know it's life-or-death awesome, women rate heavy stubble as the most attractive kind of facial hair a man can have, above full beards, light stubble, and clean-shaven. Rick from The Walking Dead is a nonstop Big O for the ladies. Plus, it's great for scratching itches!

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Or scrubbing those difficult pans!

Why so sexy with stubble but not a full beard? The hypothesis is that it's a balance of masculinity and aggressiveness. With stubble you look manly and mature. With a full beard you look like dad or a crazy mountain cannibal, neither of which ranks particularly high on the average woman's scale of sexual attraction. With no stubble or just light stubble you look like a desperately hormonal tween who couldn't find a woman's happy place with Sherpa guides and a GPS. So get yourself to that furry sweet spot of lust and watch the ladies roll on in. Or at least not cringe in revulsion when you walk past.

#4. Don't Smile (Unless You're a Woman)

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Guys, what's your first reaction when you see a hot lady person across the pudding line? Do you drop your eyes like a palsied eagle dropping eggs, or do you flash your pearly whites in an electrifying grin that would make even the most pious of nuns quiver? Well, it better be the former, because the latter isn't nearly as charming as you think.

Sociologists in British Colombia,

Canada's hotbed of sex science, conducted a study that showed men who smile are less attractive to women overall than men who opt for a more brooding or swaggering expression, which you can safely assume means men who act like vampires or pirates are where it's at, and, let's be honest, that makes sense in Hollywood terms.

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It'll take a week to wash all that goth off of her neck.

On the other side of things, it turns out smiling women are the bee's knees to most men, while a woman who demonstrates pride and confidence through facial expression, presumably by way of a triumphant sneer or chewing on the arm of one of her victims, is considered undesirable, and we won't blame you for going straight to the comments and calling that sexist right now.

So why is a smiling man so damned unappealing? Why is Pennywise destined for loneliness? Because men who smile are judged to be more feminine and less dominant. Maybe that's why the Joker committed all those crimes: he was just lonely. Poor fella.

#3. Get a Dog

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Do you know why Voltron was so successful? Unlike you, it was five people in powerful, colorful, cat-like robots. You can't hope to be anywhere near that awesome walking around in the cat-less flesh sack you call a body. Not alone. That's why you need a dog; it's simple math. You and a dog are more powerful in all ways, including seduction, than you are alone. Voltronenomics don't lie.

Science and religion tell us that Bradley Cooper is a handsome man, and even a straight online comedy writer might want to hold him ever so close because he looks like he wears cologne that smells like chopped wood and would be warm and comforting like grandma's chicken noodle soup poured into a bowl shaped like a man with the most charming and rugged smile you ever swooned over. But if you gave Bradley Cooper an adorable wiener dog, well, now you just have to give up being straight and bed him this instant in an urgent yet gentle and fulfilling way. I mean, I think that's how it works.

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The white-hot face of lust.

According to a study that compared dudes asking for things like bus fare or phone numbers without a dog and then with a dog, men are three times more likely to score a phone number if they have a dog with them. That's impressive as hell. The numbers break down to about 1-in-4 women asked giving over their numbers to a dog walker. Think of how many you could rack up in a day at that rate? Several, probably! Unless you live at an all-boys school or in prison or something, in which case you've got bigger problems to deal with than finding a dog to score you some booty.

Ladies, the puppy effect works for you, too. Women with a dog were more likely to be given money for the bus when they asked, and the amount they were given was higher. Use this knowledge to fleece men who are trying to use dogs to get your phone number.

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