How to Meet Women - How to Talk to Women
Get Rid of Your Shyness Around Women
Learn How to Approach Women NOW.
From: Carlos Xuma
Monday, 10:14 a.m.
Ever since I could remember, I've always been afraid of walking up and talking to women.
I can't explain where the heck it came from, because I have never had a woman throw her drink in my face or slap me - but this crazy fear was always there, and because of it, I felt like I missed out on so many opportunities to meet some amazing women.
My experience usually went something like this:
I would walk into a bar, or a restaurant - or anywhere I might meet an attractive woman - and then I would see HER.
You know, that one woman that just grabs your eye, and you get obsessed - just thinking about what it would be like to talk to her, and maybe hold her in your arms on a date.
And the second I saw this woman and I figured out that I really wanted to meet her, I would experience this total "lock-up " in my brain.
I was frozen to the spot, and I didn't know what to say or do.
I knew I had to go over and talk to her in order to get anything started, but I couldn't seem to find a way to DO IT. I almost felt like someone was holding me back physically, like being pinned to a wall.
Every time I tried to take a step in her direction, my mind would lock up again and I couldn't move or say anything. Even if she was standing right next to me!
(And that was usually the WORST situation because she was right there. SO CLOSE. within reach.)
Here is another situation I think a lot of guys go through:
Have you ever been talking to a woman for a few minutes, and as the energy of the conversation starts to dip a little (right about where you are running out of things to say) she just looks back to her friends and turns her back to you?
We call this the "back turn," and it's one of those experiences guys hate more than anything. You get that sick feeling of not just being ignored, but de-valued as well.
Even though she didn't actually do it or say it out loud, you feel like she just laughed and called you a loser.
And it makes you feel like dirt .
Have you ever had this happen to you? Maybe once or twice?
And the worst part is that you don't feel like it's something you could even describe to anyone else, because you feel like it's your problem alone.
"This is Where Everything Changes Inside Your Head. "
In every one of these situations where I wanted to approach a woman. I noticed that there was this point in time - just a few seconds after I saw her - where if I didn't do something right away. I knew I would not be approaching that woman or talking to her. It just wasn't going to happen if I waited beyond any time at all past that point.
What I discovered later on - and I'll talk more about this in a second - is that if I could just get myself to take ACTION - just say something - that I wouldn't have any problems after that.
And even if I did have a challenge, it wouldn't be anywhere NEAR as difficult as this was.
You see, I'm going to tell you something that a lot of my friends don't even know.
I've always held myself back when it came to meeting people and being more outgoing. I just had this unexplainable emotion in my head that would stop me from just walking up and saying "Hi" to a woman I wanted to meet.
I knew on the surface it was SO simple to do, but it felt like it was INFINITELY complicated below the surface. I even thought at one point that I was making this stuff up in my head.
One day I sat down and wondered what it would be like to master that emotion in me - the one that kept me from meeting and interacting socially.
Take a second right now and imagine how different your life would be if you could just manage to overcome this blockade - this barrier - in your thinking that stops you from talking to the women you want.
- "She's out of your league. "
- "She's probably got a boyfriend. "
- "You're probably not her type. "
- "You have no idea what to say to her. "
- Can you imagine just how much more opportunity you'd have if you could control that feeling of shyness that comes up and robs you?
Can you imagine how different would you act with other people? How much more confidence you would have?
Just imagine what other people in your life would think about you if you could erase that invisible barrier between you and the moment where you take ACTION.
This is what I started thinking about all the time. because I knew I could radically improve my life if I could just figure out how to seize this moment and just DO IT.
Well, I came up with some things that you will want to know about this feeling, and the art of approaching women.
Here are some other situations that I've gone through that may have happened to you:
You're sitting somewhere having an ice cold beer, and you're talking to some friends. Out of nowhere, a woman passes by that catches your eye, and you can't take your eyes off her.
More than anything, you wish you knew how to approach her. but somewhere inside your gut you get this feeling of fear pressing down on you. Your mouth goes dry.
And before you can pry your butt off your chair, that little voice in your head starts talking to you:
The strange thing is that these thoughts don't come up in words. they seem to come up in emotions . like an invisible force field between you and the woman you want to go meet.
And, as you stand there trying to figure out how you're going to walk up to her, another guy comes up to her and introduces himself and starts talking to her. Before you know it, they're all laughing and having fun.
You missed your shot.
"It wasn't just approaching women that would paralyze me, either. "
Have you ever had something like this happen to you:
- You finally walk up to a woman and say hello, and the conversation gets going, but a minute or two later, you find yourself struggling to come up with something to talk about. and you want to just get her phone number and go, but now there's this uncomfortable silence. and before you know it she says she has to "get back to her friends. "
How do you bridge the conversation into asking for her number?
"Here's a story you might relate to. "
A few years back, I had a BIG problem: I was single and had just relocated to Kansas City. I was supposed to get married, but that had fallen through, and now I was alone and on my own.
I managed to get a job fairly quickly, but I had NO social network. I had to start again from scratch. I thought it would be easy, just like it was in high-school.
I was in for a rude awakening.
I got along okay for a few weeks, but then I started noticing how many nights I was staying home, drinking beer, and watching the same movies over and over. (I think I must have gone through "Big Trouble in Little China" about ten times. )
Between working at an office with only 4 people and sitting at home playing computer games, I wasn't meeting ANYONE. In fact, it felt like I had fewer and fewer friends because when I did go out, it was usually - you guessed it - alone .
I figured out real quick that loneliness doesn't go away by itself.
I knew that I had to do something different. And FAST .
So I went out to a bar in the area called "Houston's." It was a popular happy-hour spot, and there were always some really good-looking girls there. I was determined to meet these women, because I hadn't had a date in over 2 months (probably longer than that, now that I think about it), and I was starting to go stir-crazy.
I ordered a Budweiser and parked myself at the bar. I looked around to see who there was to meet. (This was a big mistake. and I'll explain why in a minute).
I kept seeing groups of girls come in, and leave, and come in. and leave. And I wasn't approaching any of them. I wanted to, but my mind wasn't giving me anything to say to them.
"The longer I stayed there, the worse it got, because I had NO IDEA where to begin. "
How do you just go up and talk to a person you've never met before? I watched lots of other guys walk in, and they seemed to have no problem walking over and talking to women.
Me? I couldn't imagine how to do it, or what the hell to say.
Until later, of course. When you're in your car and on the way home, you suddenly figure out the perfect thing to open up with, even if it was only, "Hey, are you girls having fun?" It could have been that simple, but for some reason you just couldn't do it at the time.
The more times this happens to you, the more emotionally worked-up you get. And each time - when nothing changes - you feel worse and worse about yourself because it feels like you're completely stuck in this infinite loop, like Groundhog Day, only you can't seem to break the cycle.
Okay, let me finish my story about what happened at that bar.
So here I am, and finally, 2 hours and 3 beers later, I decided that I had to do something .
I decided to leave.
BUT. I wasn't going to leave without connecting with at least one woman there.
So I reached into my wallet and pulled out a business card, and I wrote on the back: "I think you're attractive. if you're interested, give me a call sometime."
"I walked over to the first cute girl I saw, and. "
I tapped her on the shoulder, and handed her the card. I said, "Here, I think you dropped this. "
Now, I thought that was pretty darn clever.
But she looked back at me - after first glancing at the front of the card and giggling - and she said, "I don't think so." And then she threw the card over her shoulder on the floor.
That was cold .
I just walked out of there with my tail between my legs and drove home. I remember beating on the steering wheel with my fists, wondering:
"What in the world do I have to do to meet women without going through the pain of rejection like this. "
I mean, I'd finally overcome my fear for just two seconds to walk up to her, and I still got blown out.
It really does take guts to go up to a woman and talk to her. You have to work your courage up to a fever-pitch before you can do something.
Even if you can get your courage up, there's no guarantee you're going to be successful, either.
I had no idea WHAT to say to women to get them to respond, so I felt like I was in a double-bind. Even if I could get the nerve up, I still didn't know what to say.
"I felt like I was getting in the boxing ring with an opponent that I'd never beat."
My morale had hit an all-time low.
What I ended up doing was going to the local bookstore the next day and looking for books that showed guys how to approach women and meet women.
I found NOTHING on the topic.
Then I started looking at all the dating advice books out there, most of which are written by women to help other women. I found some good ideas in there, but nothing that even came close to helping me overcome this anxiety over approaching women.
These books just talked about "flirting" and stuff like that. I didn't want to flirt - I wanted to MEET women, ATTRACT women. Get myself a hot girlfriend.
So then I went out just about every night I could, watching guys who were good with women and seeing what it was they were doing. I started figuring out how they used lines to open up groups of women and get them interested.
(These weren't those corny "pickup lines" you read about, either. I'm going to talk about those in a minute, too.)
I even joined a dating service, and put an ad in the personals, and created an online dating service profile.
I used every opportunity I could to put together a REAL and EFFECTIVE strategy to get over my fear and start talking to women.
Because there was one thing I had figured out, and it's the one thing you should be aware of right now as you read this:
"If you can't approach women, you can't meet any women."
"And if you can't meet women, you can't possibly get them to go out on a date with you. "
The two work hand in hand.
It's very simple, and logical. and it took me a LONG TIME to learn that lesson. You see, everything you want to learn to be more successful with women requires you to learn how to approach women - and in the right way.
It goes back to that turning point I talked about before - the point in your head where you will either take action or fade into the background .
Since you're still with me here, I know that you're definitely NOT the kind who wants to disappear into the background.
Now, over those 4 years of intensive research and field work I did to find out how to approach women the right way, I kept notes in a journal. I have pages and pages of notes on what I tried, what worked, what didn't work, and how I overcame the challenges of learning this new skill.
(I still have that notebook to this day. It's all dog-eared and ragged, and I have to use a rubber band to keep the pages in there, but it's packed full of every insight and technique I found.)
But I also found something out that was much more valuable along the way. In fact, I think I'd even call it "priceless ."
I noticed that even when I knew WHAT I was supposed to say when I approached a woman, I still had to get past that point in my head where I actually would DO it. Lines don't help with that.
Here's a little test you can use:
On any of your single guy friends, the next time you see an attractive woman in a bar, nudge him and tell him to go talk to her.
I will bet that 19 out of 20 guys will say something like this:
"Nah, she's not my type, dude. "
"I'm not on my game tonight. Maybe later. "
Or any number of lame excuses.
Hey, I used to do the EXACT same thing. And the worst
part is that when your friend talks himself out of approaching a woman, you feel relieved because it usually gives you the excuse you need to not go talk to her, either. So you don't push it, and you go back to drinking your beer.
But deep inside, you still really want to meet that woman.
Look, I'm not telling you this stuff to make you feel bad; I just want you to understand just how much of the same experiences I've gone through.
And what I discovered was.
"There are guys EVERYWHERE with this issue - trying to find the courage to approach a woman and just say 'Hi' to her. "
I wasn't alone.
But even MORE important was that I discovered that there were guys who had figured out how to overcome the problem. They had managed to conquer their fear - and their shy personality - and break through that invisible barrier.
I once heard a phrase that I'd like you to remember: "If he did that, I can do that."
Because I used to think that there was something actually different about these guys, that they had some kind of magical gift. The reality is that they had the exact same brain I have, and they had the same abilities I had.
And I learned that I could actually do better than them when I discovered how it all worked, because these "naturals" were clueless as to what they were doing.
And that means that it's a Skill That ANY Man Can Learn.
I want to let you know that approaching women really is a skill .
I'm sure you've learned to do something pretty good in your life, like play the guitar, or fix cars, or even play a video game better than anyone else.
Well, learning how to talk to women is just like learning one of those skills. At first, you're not too good. But if you just stick with it, you learn faster and faster, and before you know it you're better than most people.
The more you learn, the faster you get better. And it gets easier and easier.
(And the best part is that I've taken all the work and effort out of learning this skill for you.)
And then I also discovered that I became a lot better in social situations, too. I wasn't always the "quiet one" that never talked. I found out how to be a part of conversations instead of just an observer, and I got rid of a lot of the shyness I had. I even figured out how to use my sense of humor with women and not come across as a dork.
5 Mistakes Most Guys Make When They Learn To Approach Women & Pickup Women
So right now I want to share some of the lessons I learned on this journey to improve my skills approaching women. The information I'm about to share with you will probably shave a few months off your learning curve if you really internalize it and let it sink in.
APPROACH MISTAKE #1: Trying to be "friends first" with women.
One of the things I saw myself doing, and I later saw in many other guys, was that we men are so ashamed to show our interest in a woman for fear of being rejected that we'd try to camouflage and hide it behind a false pretense.
The only way we could walk up and talk to a woman was if we convinced ourselves (and the woman) that we weren't doing it for the need to "pickup" on her, or "hit on" her.
It's a fear that I call the fear of being "found out. "
Have you ever used this line on a woman:
"Hey, can you tell me what time it is?"
I have. It was the only way I could get myself to talk to some women.
You may have used that line to just do SOMETHING instead of sit there. But then you have to figure out how to follow that one up, don't you?
What do you say next when she says: "Oh, it's 3:45. " (?)
And so we learned that the "What time is it?" trick wouldn't get us far.
So by trying to be "friends first" with a woman, we think we're actually answering her request. After all, don't most women say they want to be "friends first" before anything else?
But the problem with this is that what a woman is really saying is actually much more complicated, and it wasn't until after I'd talked with a hundred or so women about this, and dug deep to find out what was really happening that I was able to interpret this.
Here's what a woman is really saying when she says: "I want to be friends first. " I'm going to warn you that this is something that almost NO guy out there knows, so keep this information to yourself. You'll cook a lot of brain cells if you try to explain it to a guy who is caught up in his "wussy" ways.
Here's the translation of what she's REALLY saying:
"I want to give you the impression that we need to be friends first so I can see how you'll react to me when I say this.
"If you act frustrated or angry, I'll know that you really only wanted me for one thing, and you couldn't appreciate me as a human being with feelings.
"On the other hand, if you don't react to this and simply demonstrate that you're a confident and sexual man - and act like I'm the sexual woman that I am - I'll want to be much more than just 'friends first.'"
You see, by trying to sneak in the back door of "friends first," you wind up destroying her attraction for you, and it's because you end up WIMPING OUT .
The bigger reason for this is because you were seeking her acceptance and approval before you took action. Almost like you were looking for permission .
After years of learning what it takes to get women genuinely interested in men, and finding out what they were really looking for, I can boil almost all of the problems guys have into this one thing:
You see, most shy guys like us have a need inside to feel accepted by a woman. That we're approved of in her eyes.
I'm sure there's some great psycho-babble out there about how this relates to your 'inner child,' but it doesn't help you learn how to approach women with confidence. so let's leave that out for now.
What women see when a guy tries this friends-first thing is a guy who is saying: "Please-oh-please. Will you approve of me?"
A woman's mind is hard-wired to mistrust a guy who needs her approval, because she wants to know that when push comes to shove, he will be able to point the way.
She wants to feel SAFE around him. And a BIG part of feeling safe for a woman is knowing that she will not be the man in the relationship.
This may sound a bit obvious, but I need to say this for you to really understand :
"Women are not attracted to approval-seeking behavior. "
It's actually repulsive to them. As in: "I just saw naked pictures of my grandma" repulsive.
(This friends-first thing is also what triggers the "Nice Guy" syndrome, by the way.)
Let's move on to the next mistake.
APPROACH MISTAKE #2: Trying to Come up With a Perfect "pickup line" - or Some Other Clever and Impressive Way to Get Her Interested in You.
When I first got started learning how to approach women, I thought it was the first thing you say to a woman that makes her interested in you or not. I thought I had to make this original presentation right up front. I figured you had one chance to make a really big impression on her, or you lost her interest.
What I found in reality is something COMPLETELY different.
The first think you say is actually the LEAST important thing. I found some great conversational openers that would work ALL the time - no chance of rejection.
Here's the amazing fact that most guys don't know:
The most important thing when you approach a woman is not what you first say, it's how sincere and believable you communicate yourself behind those words.
For example, here's one of the openers I use, and other guys I've taught use this almost without fail:
"Hi, I hope you don't mind, but I don't have a clever pickup line. I just wanted to come over and say hello. My name is. "
Read that over again, because the power of what that opening "line" does is incredible.
Let's review what this communicates:
- It immediately shows that you're aware of the "game" being played, and you are smarter.
Because without that basic requirement, any relationship you have based on mistrust or insincerity could cost you.
It all starts with sincerity, which is something women can sense from you within the first few minutes (sometimes SECONDS ) of conversation.
And that's why you can't fall into the trap of using phony lines or made-up stories to attract women when you approach, because they'll figure it out no matter how great a "pickup artist" you are.
That's why I created my REAL Game openers to help you be REAL and authentic with women - AND get results.
You never need to lie to attract women.
In fact, another thing I discovered was that instead of trying to find the perfect line or impressive approach, the most successful technique to approach women is simply NOT messing it up!
APPROACH MISTAKE #3: Not having some techniques and tools - a utility belt - to help you.
One of the most important things I observed as I learned how to approach women and get rid of the fear and anxiety was to watch other guys and learn from their mistakes.
I learned A LOT from them. (Thanks, guys. )
And one thing I saw that completely floored me was the fact that guys who were actually relaxed and comfortable with walking up and approaching women were crashing and burning ALL THE TIME.
These guys had what I would have killed to get (I ended up not having to kill for it, luckily. ) and they were still messing up their approaches with women.
And then I saw what it was.
These guys had warmth, almost no fear approaching women, but they were missing out on the most important thing.
After I figured it out, I wanted to get some business cards made up with the reason for their failure in big letters on it so I could just hand them out when I saw it happening.
"What Is The One Reason That Most Guys Fail When They Approach Women?"
They had no SYSTEM for what to say, and when to say it.
There was no plan.
No one goes in and tries to put up a building without a blueprint, and you can't afford to go into an interaction with a woman without one, either.
It's vitally important that you know what words work and which ones don't to get women to talk to you, open up to you, trust you, give you her number, get a date with her, and so on.
I'll come back to this after the last mistake.
APPROACH MISTAKE #4: Not qualifying the woman.
Qualifying is the process of figuring out if a woman meets YOUR criteria and requirements, which is something that most guys do not do.
After all, they're in such a hurry to try and hook her in that they aren't thinking about whether they should even want this woman in their life in the first place. They're coming from the DEMAND side of the equation, instead of being the supply she wants so badly.
Well, a woman needs to do this for you.
The first reason is that when you qualify the woman, she will find you a hundred times more attractive than the other ten guys who tried to buy her a drink in the last ten minutes.
The second reason is that you really do need to feel as if she has something to prove to you.
APPROACH MISTAKE #5: Not having an exit strategy.
When you meet a woman, you need a good plan to get into a conversation first, but you also need a good plan for leaving when things are at a high point.
Have you ever had a great conversation going, but you didn't know how to transition out of it into getting contact information? And you find yourself afraid to end the conversation, and it starts to fizzle out.
Before you lose all that effort, you need to use an "auto-save" feature on your approaches.
You need to have a good idea of when, how, and what to say to leave the conversation with either her phone number or an email address.
(An email address is often a better alternative to a phone number because she will need less trust to give you it. Just be sure you write it down carefully!)
Of course, when you're finishing up the conversation, you are also likely to make another mistake.
BONUS APPROACH MISTAKE #5.8: Asking a woman out too soon.
Oh, I know. I can hear you as you read that one.
"What? I'm not supposed to ask a woman out?"
You really shouldn't ask a woman out the first time you meet her.
When you ask a woman out right away, you communicate "quick-desperation ." I call it this because you look like you are the kind of guy who needs to "lock something in" right away because you're afraid of loss.
As part of your exit strategy, you need to simply go for her phone number or email. There are ways to get a guaranteed date from a phone number, as long as you handle things right.
"Here's How to Silence That Voice of Doubt Forever. "
When I talk to guys about their experience with this fear and shyness, and their desperate desire to fix this part of their lives, one thing comes through: They just want to get rid of that voice of doubt in their heads that stops them from just DOING IT .
I have been working with guys for years now on every aspect of their dating lives. I have also held bootcamps and training programs to take guys into bars and clubs to work on their approaches and get them meeting more women in one night than they have met in the last year. (For some guys, it was the FIRST time they had ever been able to walk up and talk to a woman.)
As I conducted these seminars, I noticed how many similar mistakes guys were making in their approaches, and just how easy it was to fix them .
Who I Am and How I Can Help You.
Now, if you're not familiar with me - Carlos Xuma - or my work, I have been described as one of the original "pickup artists" - just like Neil Strauss discussed in his book The Game . When I spoke at his book signing here in San Francisco, Neil and I both talked about how guys don't really think of me as a "pickup artist" - more like a "guru."
I've never thought of myself as a "guru," either, but if it helps - Hey, no problem.
One of the things I do for men is take them in the field in classes to show them healthy and powerful attraction and approach skills. This has given me the opportunity to observe all the common problems that guys have when they approach women, and I have coached them to help them overcome their "approach anxiety" as well as their "inner game" or confidence issues.
But the real important thing here is that I can now pass along these concentrated lessons and shorten your learning time, the way I have for the guys in my seminars.Source: www.alphaconfidence.com